My friends have told me that I'm crazy and sometimes behave dangerously. I don't believe roleplaying more bizarre fetishes on Reddit anything dangerous. After all, the incredible anonymity of Reddit protects me. I will admit that I never think about any psychological danger to me, or to the other person I'm roleplaying with.
A few months ago, I posted a roleplay ad with the scenario of being a psychiatrist. I had over thirty messages within the first minute, from both men and women. Most messages were men who masturbated too much and wanted help. Others were men questioning their sexual orientation. One was a woman who had a penis (I went pretty far RPing with her). The most interesting for me was a man who admitted to fantasizing about raping and murdering women. I found it fascinating, not just psychologically but logistically---how would I play this out? Below is the actual text of our initial roleplay. We never were able to play again, though I was very willing. His life was busy, as was mine, and then I moved out of the country which made the time difference an insurmountable problem. I knew nothing about him accept that he had children, and one night while we were chatting, his daughter had a nightmare and he had to give her cuddles until she fell asleep.
But you're making progress. I don't think you're a terrible, bad person. I believe in you. I believe that you really don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I want you to put your hands around my throat. I know you won't hurt me because you want to be someone different.
Alright, doctor... I'll try... Your skin is so smooth, so pale. I can't help imagining bruises appearing on it. I need to touch it harder... feel it more.
You're doing very well, but you don't need to be so rough.
But I particularly love to do this to redheads, doctor... So pale, I can see the welts and bruises. I'm so hard, doctor, I'm going to unzip myself to make it easier. To make it more like what I've done before...
You're doing this too hard. You should let go of me.
It will be easier on the floor, doctor. You'll come down here, beneath me. Look at how hard it gets me? You see? You see what I'm up against? Having this soft, warm meat in my hands just makes it so difficult to stop...
I see what it's doing to you, but you need to stop. You need to let go of me right now before you do something you regret.
I already told you, meat, I don't ever regret it, I just think that I should. Maybe you'll stop telling me I need let go if I squeeze harder... Maybe I'll get more out of this with your skirt up around your waist.
No, please, no, don't, you're not like this, you're not this kind of person. At least you don't want to be. You want to be more.
No, I don't, you worthless piece of female meat masquerading as a doctor. I want to be the person I feel like when I'm doing this... powerful, using others for my pleasure.
You feel so good on the inside, doctor... particularly when you struggle and your throat bulges.
No, no, no, please stop, I can't breathe.
If you can't breathe, you can't tell me I'm wrong, you stupid piece of fuckmeat. I can't take your accusing face anymore, I need to turn you over, doctor. Your throat feels so delicate in my hands, maybe it'll help if I distract you from that by using your ass.
I struggle and grasp at your hands and cry out.
Skirt over your hip, stockings torn open for me.
It feels so good to dig my fingers into your throat, to feel your life leave you. Thank you for helping me, doctor... your ass is so tight...
(This is extremely hot...)
I'm full of terror as I gasp and struggle and realize I'm not going to escape and I've made an enormous mistake.
Do you feel how hard that is in you, doctor? That's because of how right this all feels to me. You'll never tell me I'm wrong again, you can't even speak now. You are just meat... and a tight hole.
"Please," I manage to gasp.
"Women are meat. Women are meat. Women are meat."
Stretching out your ass, feeling the life drain out of you on the floor of your office. Feeling myself cum inside you.
"This will be the last thing you feel, doctor."
His motivations are obvious: feelings of persecutions, accusations, ridicule by women. He needs to silence women as a way of finding satisfaction, a way of proving that he isn't "wrong" at all. He reduces women to meat because, very vividly to him, women are beyond meat. They are so powerful he is obsessed with reducing them to a raw physical self, empty of personality. Nothing frightens him more than women, and it's this fear that makes him lash out.
If I roleplay with someone with these fantasies, will it, could it prevent him from enacting this in real life? Is that even an issue at all? Was this man even capable of living out his fantasies (he assured me several times he hasn't hurt anyone)? I never believed so. I believe that staging his fantasies through online roleplay was a healthy form of dealing with his issues.
This isn't meant to be a confessional as I don't feel any guilt. I have no conscience to appease, no burden to alleviate.
I had a long term online roleplay relationship, with someone I met on Reddit's dirtypenpals, with a British man. We'll call him Bill. Bill was married, with a young daughter, with a normal job, driving to work every morning in traffic and being very tired when he got home.
Bill was very protective of me, as much as he could be online. He loved me, too, as much as he could online. We played out many sexual fantasies which were extremely stimulating. He had special tastes as well.
For example, he liked to fantasize about beating the shit out of me, choking me, violently fucking me until I bled. Once we even used blood as part of sex.
Once he confessed to fantasizing about killing women he saw in public, and couldn't explain why. He was also suicidal, which frightened me, and suffered from depression.
As far as fantasies went, Bill liked age play. Particularly, incestuous age play. When I called him Daddy in a text, it would instantly transform our communication. I would write my dialogue as a little girl (8-10 years old) and he would proceed to seduce me. These were the most profound fantasies that we had, and extremely moving for him. The combination of tender fatherly feelings with sexual desire satisfied him in ways he couldn't explain. In fact, I'm hard pressed to explain it myself. It was never violent, and it was filled with love.
I participated because it was moving for me as well, and it didn't feel wrong. If anything, it served as a great comfort.
He had always told me that he would never think of his own daughter in this way and I believed him. I don't talk to him anymore---this is how RP relationships go. They don't seem to last long.
I could never believe that Bill was anything monstrous. He had sexual desires he couldn't explain, and couldn't discuss with his wife or anyone else. To do so would be a kind of suicide. This is wrong. These are things men should be allowed to discuss. We must face that underage sex, and extremely underage sex, is something that, most likely, many of the men in our lives find sexually stimulating.
On Twitter, Tuesdays are celebrated as "Titty Tuesday." So in honor of the weekly event, I present, Chesty Morgan:
Chesty made breastploitation films in the seventies which were, by all accounts, both silly and spectacular. She was also limited as an actress; it would seem that her roles (and films) were produced for her rather than she happening upon a role.
What I find interesting is the fascination with her breasts. This fascination has a personal element. My breasts are on the larger side (38DD), so my back and shoulders sympathize with what she must have suffered having such enormous and natural large breasts. I'm also bisexual with a specific fetish for large breasts---but hers are much too large for my tastes.
Yet there are those who find her breasts irresistible. Why? I think it borders on fetish, because it steps outside the normal reality of sex. "Normal" sex involves all those traditional elements that we, as a society, would agree constitute normal. Fetish steps outside that: shoes, food, bondage, etc. At times, fetish enters a carnival funhouse with mirrors that enlarge or shrink (fat fetish or midget fetish). This is where Chesty comes in.
I've read that fat fetishists find fat especially exciting because of the feeling of being smothered with comfort, of losing oneself in the folds of flesh. Chesty could be the same: men being swallowed by breasts that symbolize nurturing, food, mothering, safety, an absence of responsibility. This enters the realm of BDSM, and the role of a nurse dominatrix who cleans and dresses the man, sometimes administering an enema, but always cooing and taking care of him.
We've all heard about it, perhaps even looked at some of it online. I heard a rumor that real Disney animators made Disney porn on the side, secretly, and it was available out there in World Wide Web Land. I'd never seen it.
This is making Disney adult, and on par with Barbie art and sexualizing the doll (which I discussed several blogs ago). But it has an added element of childhood. It cannot be ignored, as much as we wish because it is so uncomfortable and dangerous. But these cartoon characters are those which we embraced as children and let our children embrace. This becomes a sexualizing of childhood, of making our innocent years something much more.
But children ARE sexual creatures. I've had many friends tell me about their masturbation experiences and sexual acts between the ages of five and twelve. It should not be at all shocking that children are attracted to Ariel, Belle and Snow White. That children would have similar, yet much more ignorant, sexual fantasies as we would. Perhaps the appeal of Disney porn is not that it's so shocking, but that it's so comfortable---it speaks to the elementary sexual creature that we were, and explodes it into all it's splendor.
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I've been extraordinarily open minded about sex ever since my first year in college, when I learned women could have orgasms. (I was a late bloomer in high school.) Nothing shocks me. All of it interests me. I can never get enough of it.
All of the pics in my blog are stolen/borrowed from other websites. I consider myself not really a thief, but a pirate. Arrrrrrr!!!
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crazy, dirty bastard.
And I thought I was fucked up.