Once again, a Lady Ristretto short story produced by the dirty minds at dirtybitpodcast...
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Lord Ristretto and I have been watching dinosaur documentaries lately. He, like most children of the Jurassic Park generation, fell in love with dinosaurs and became a passionate dinosaur enthusiast.
The documentary has wonderful scenes of dinosaurs eating ferns and drinking water and roaring at one another. And, surprisingly, they show some scenes of dinosaurs having sex.
No, they aren't having sex. Humans have sex. Nor are they fucking. Humans fuck. The dinosaurs are copulating. They are engaging in a basic instinctive activity that is no different than their eating and shitting (which they showed as well). It is all very clinical, unemotional and unerotic. I was shocked.
Which is a long time coming. After all, I've seen other animals mate, and I've known animals do it without the connection that humans have. But for some reason, the lack of lust suddenly astounded me. I spun in an existential hurricane, questioning whether lust exists at all. Are we just fooling ourselves? Are we fools to make sex mean something? Or are we broken, placing so much meaning and art and time and energy into sex and denying the easier, more comfortable emptiness of "mating"? Why do we fuck and have sex and bang and bump uglies and all the other euphemisms we have? Why do we have so many and what do each mean? How does the act change between them?
The dinosaurs were around for MILLIONS of years before us. MILLIONS and MILLIONS of years of nothing but EMPTY MATING RITUALS. The dinosaurs weren't wearing mini skirts, cheating on their wives, sniffing their girlfriend's panties, sending dick pics to their classmates. They were inserting penises into vaginas and laying eggs or wiggling their young into the sea. (And if the young became a liability, abandon them or eat them.)
This lasted a short time. I mused through the credits and then turned to Lord Ristretto and said it was time for him to take his pants off.
In the end, I'm in the same position as the dinosaurs. They had their mating rituals and I have mine. I can't change my ways no more than they could theirs. And it's pointless to waste my time spiraling into a philosophical maelstrom when I could be sucking dick instead.
Ask them. Directly. To their face. That's what I always do. For years, I knew the fetishes, kinks, cock size, homosexual experiences and the number of sexual partners a guy had long before I had conscious thoughts of fucking them. But I'm not timid about sex, and I haven't had sex with people who were.
But for those who are less bold, there are forms one can fill out. Seriously. And they're good.
MojoUpgrade: This is a really helpful internet quiz designed to help couples discover their sexual compatibility. And, their incompatibility. Or just to discover what you’re into. Lord Ristretto and I took this together and, funnily enough, that there were things we wanted to do but hadn't mentioned to the other. No matter how much communication a couple has, you can't remember EVERYTHING to talk about.
Fetishes And Limits: I found this on the /r/sex subreddit, created by /u/simontog. It's essentially the same thing as mojoupgrade, but in a more straightforward, printable form. Could be used as a party game or a drinking game. Here's a sample:
Here’s the scale: 1 - Very much into / Something I enjoy / Turn On 2 - Haven’t done it but want to try 3 - I would do it if the other person enjoyed it 4 - Does nothing for me, but isn’t a limit 5 - Hard limit / Something I won’t do / Turn off
_______ Age Play (you play younger)
_______ Animal Roles (e.g. human puppy dog)
_______ Examinations (doctor-nurse play/medical scenes)
_______ Family Play (e.g. Incest Play)
_______ Daddy/little girl (DD/lg)
_______ Fantasy Abandonment
_______ Fantasy Rape
_______ Prison Scenes
_______ Prostitution (being sold to others)
_______ Pony play (e.g. pony girl)
_______ Religious Play (nun/priest/rabbi/alterboy-girl)
_______ Anal Play/Anal Sex
_______ Anal Plugs/Beads
_______ Anal Plugs/Beads Outdoors (under clothes)
_______ Brown Showers (scat)
_______ Camming Sex with me
_______ Camming Sex with me and others
_______ Cyber Sex with me (no cam)
_______ Cyber Sex with me and others (no cam)
_______ Double Penetration with dildos
_______ Double Penetration with two men
_______ Fisting (anal)
_______ Fisting (vaginal)
_______ Food Play
_______ Forced Heterosexuality (being used by friends)
_______ Forced Heterosexuality (being used by strangers, with protection)
_______ Forced Homosexuality (being used by friends)
_______ Forced Homosexuality (being used by strangers)
_______ Gang Bang
_______ Genital Sex
_______ Glory-Hole Sex
_______ Golden Showers
_______ Lactation (giving)
_______ Lactation (receiving)
_______ Licking (body homage with tongue)
_______ Menstruation (sex during)
_______ Oral-Anal Play (rimming, receiving)
_______ Oral-Anal Play (doing to another)
_______ Phone Sex
_______ Photos on demand (e.g., via text messenger during the day)
_______ Sex (Heterosexual)
_______ Sex (Homosexual)
_______ Sexual Deprivation
_______ Strap-Ons (receiving)
_______ Strap-Ons (wearing/giving)
_______ Swapping (being given)
_______ Swinging (one or more other couples)
_______ Swallowing (cum)
_______ Talking Dirty (Talker)
_______ Talking Dirty (Talkee)
This lovely article showed up in my Facebook feed the other day: A Handy Guide To Sex In The Middle Ages. The article focuses on church edicts which prohibit certain sexual acts in the population, and accompanying penances. This is my favorite:
There are others, covering masturbation and women using foreign objects in their vaginas. I prefer to look at these rules/laws as a indirect guide to what people in the middle ages were doing sexually. After all, you don't make laws prohibiting things people aren't doing.
Using the above example, there was gay behavior. There was bestiality (I'll avoid arguing over equating these two behaviors; that's a different blog post.)
Women were crafting or finding objects to serve as phalluses. There were blow jobs with swallowing. There was masturbation, casual sex, and prostitution. Sex within marriage (the only appropriate place for it) had restrictions, acceptable on certain days of the month and only in the missionary position.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say there was quite a lot of sex. I'm also going to give the church the benefit of the doubt and say that there were more reasons for these restrictions other than church doctrine and ultra conservative beliefs.
There are practical reasons for restricting sex: syphilis is an enormous one. There was no cure for syphilis and it killed thousands. There are other sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes and gonorrhea. And this controlled the population and rates of pregnancy. At this time, too, women dying in childbirth was a real, constant threat.
With all these doctrines in place, with specific behaviors having very specific punishments, and with the threat of disease and pregnancy, imagine how exciting sex would be. How difficult it would be to find a safe spot to do it, and the high risk of being caught. Forbidding sex can make some of the most exciting sex ever experienced. Anyone who has committed adultery can attest to this.
Set in Pompeii during the years leading up to the eruption of Vesuvius, this full length novel follows the lives of prostitutes and politicians, gladiators and slaves, the elite an the nouveau riche. Their lives intertwine and the choices they make lead to the destruction of Pompeii.
Coming soon to Nook and Kindle.
The subreddit /r/incest offers the following post as general advice for anyone needing advice about making sexual advances on a family member: Tips on Seduction of Family Members.
Honestly, the advice is really wise, logical and optimistic: "Consanguineous lovemaking, sex, or experimentation is common enough that everyone knows someone who is, or has been, involved, and has been a reality for all of human experience." But also warns that there is a difference between consensual sexual activity between relatives and rape.
My favorite bit of advice:
"Do not expect that by suddenly waving an erection around (assuming you have a penis) or 'getting caught' masturbating that mom will turn into your unbridled, passionate sex kitten."
This post is refreshing, intelligent, honest and very important. There is no point in denying or demonizing incest, when it is a common occurrence in society. Bravo, Reddit.
I'm branching out in my methods of reaching people by beginning a newsletter. The content will include my latest activities, but most likely I'll use it as a different way of ranting about sex. Maybe I'll just send pics that I've discovered that are particularly hot. It will be NSFW, that I can promise. Sign up below:
This is a graph illustrating how sexually aroused people get thinking about certain taboos. I found this on Reddit, and it appears on the subreddit /r/dataisbeautiful (clicking on the above image will take you to the imgur original, which is much easier to read). There's an enormous amount of information here to process, but there are a few things I wish to comment briefly on.
First of all, the top taboos for men: group sex, performing sex acts with a friend, and the two age gaps: having sex with someone at least ten years older and with someone who is an adolescent. Incest is up there for men, but is only half as arousing for men as adolescents. What do we glean from this? That we need to rethink how we deal with men and the taboo of sexual attraction to adolescents. That it's probably even more common of a fantasy than this graph indicates?
And for women? I think the results for women are even more interesting.
The top fantasies for women are BDSM, group sex, sex with a friend, and sex with someone older. What should be noted are the high numbers of women who also are aroused by rape and being strangled. That women, and not men, have more sexual fantasies about violence is fascinating. Twice as many women find rape as arousing as men do. Why is this? It's possible it's an exaggerated metaphor for power and masculinity, of finding release and freedom in subordination and slavery.
What surprised me is that group sex, sex with a friend, or with someone at least ten years older are considered taboo experiences. I had no idea that my life has consisted of breaking one taboo after another.
We've all heard about it, perhaps even looked at some of it online. I heard a rumor that real Disney animators made Disney porn on the side, secretly, and it was available out there in World Wide Web Land. I'd never seen it.
This is making Disney adult, and on par with Barbie art and sexualizing the doll (which I discussed several blogs ago). But it has an added element of childhood. It cannot be ignored, as much as we wish because it is so uncomfortable and dangerous. But these cartoon characters are those which we embraced as children and let our children embrace. This becomes a sexualizing of childhood, of making our innocent years something much more.
But children ARE sexual creatures. I've had many friends tell me about their masturbation experiences and sexual acts between the ages of five and twelve. It should not be at all shocking that children are attracted to Ariel, Belle and Snow White. That children would have similar, yet much more ignorant, sexual fantasies as we would. Perhaps the appeal of Disney porn is not that it's so shocking, but that it's so comfortable---it speaks to the elementary sexual creature that we were, and explodes it into all it's splendor.
That's a fucking catchy piece of writing: "If you can dream it, you can be it." I admit, when I was a kid in the eighties, the multiple personae of Barbie was intriguing and inspiring. I never looked at her as a realistic portrayal of womanhood, nor did I compare my body to hers. Rather, she was a kind of polymorphous cartoon character whose main attribute was to change. Not just change her clothes, but change everything. I never thought Skipper or Midge (or all of the other "friend" incarnations) were anything except an extension of Barbie herself. They were "Barbie dolls" after all, and with minor physical changes from the central Barbie figure.
It would seem that today, artists are still playing with Barbie and taking her to the next logical adventure: Fucking Barbie.
As adults, we're not dreaming of fucking Barbie. We dream of her fucking, or getting fucked by, her female entourage. We bend her at the waist and offer her ass up to every other doll we have. Or we shove her pretty smile into someone else's ass or vagina.
This is logical and necessary. Barbie is, after all, a child's version of a blowup doll, or a porn star. Adults should continue to play with Barbie and express our frustrated sexual desires with her. She can become a totem for our sexuality, a miniature drag figure that parodies and celebrates femininity and power.
In this pic, she's putting on lipstick. One of my favorite professors once said, "When a woman puts on lipstick, she's telling the world she's ready to fuck."
I've been extraordinarily open minded about sex ever since my first year in college, when I learned women could have orgasms. (I was a late bloomer in high school.) Nothing shocks me. All of it interests me. I can never get enough of it.
All of the pics in my blog are stolen/borrowed from other websites. I consider myself not really a thief, but a pirate. Arrrrrrr!!!
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crazy, dirty bastard.
And I thought I was fucked up.