I devised a game for this session. In this game, Dave would tie up his balls using string. I would have control over whether or not the strings tightened. His part would be to masturbate and attempt to cum. It was a race: if he could cum before I had him tighten the strings enough to castrate himself.
He wasn't keen on this game. I had to threaten him with public exposure, and he finally relented. I imagine his protests were only designed to make me threaten him, thereby arousing him.
We began and I asked him a series of questions, in order to distract him from masturbating. I asked him if he had been raped or had raped anyone. He answered no, but admitted to having rape fantasies in which his "girlfriend" dresses him in women's clothes and "Tying me down and a guy fucking me while I'm gagged and cuffed....It's hard to stay hard during this topic. Can we change it?"
I absolutely would not change it. I drew parallel's between his mother and his "girlfriend": "That's the kind of thing your mother would do: abandon you when you needed her, stand by and watch you get hurt....Do you fantasize about your mother watching you in sexual situations?"
He questioned if I was really trying to castrate him. I was only playing the game, I answered. Then added:
"In the rape scenario with your girlfriend, if your girlfriend mirrors your mother, is the raping male figure your father? Is this how you're able to feel closeness with your father---being joined through the violence inflicted by your mother?"
He begged me to change the subject and said again he was having a hard time staying hard. He asked if he could have a toy: a buttplug, small but still significant. Testing him further, I had him use Deep Heat as lube on the buttplug. He attempted to fight me on it, but gave in quickly. The exchange following is astounding:
"It's in...It's hot already...It's hurting...Please. Let me take it out?"
"You can use your safe words if you need to. Suffer the penalties of course."
And then, a long delay before his response:
"I came. So hard. I've not cum that hard in a long time. It was intense as hell."
The fear of castration, the incestuous, violent images of his mother, fantasies of forced feminization and rape, and severe rectal burning all contributed to his orgasm. One, he observes himself, which is the most intense he's had in a while.
I'm afraid that Dave cannot divorce pain, humiliation and sex. I believe this has roots in his childhood, something traumatic that happened with his mother, perhaps also abuse by his beloved father. This need for pain and suffering very likely could branch out---where hurting himself for sexual pleasure will lose it's potency and he must hurt others. Most likely little boys, replaying a scenario of violence he himself suffered in his childhood.
We began our conversation with Dave applying a clothes pin to one of his nipples and Deep Heat to the other. We came up with the following agreement. If the pain became too much, he could use his safe phrase (I said it should be "Mommy please", in order to create deeper levels of humiliation should he need to stop). But if he ever use his phrase, he would have to do the following:
Our conversation consisted of questions, and he discussed his first sexual experience, admitting that with this girl he eventually let her fuck him with a strap on. He went on to say that if I had a strap on he'd come over and pay me to allow him to suck it.
This led to him admitting that he would pay for my bodily fluids. I had him apply Deep Heat to his inner arms, at the elbows. He was stroking simultaneously and I had him twist the clothes pin on his nipple. So occupied, he couldn't respond to me. I asked him a series of questions and provided answers:
Question: Dave, why do you want to ingest bodily fluids, as well as my boyfriend's cum?
Answer: Because I can only feel happy being humiliated because my mother humiliated me and it's the only way I know how to be loved.
Question: Dave, why do you have sex with women when all of your sexual excitement comes from being degraded by them---not from their bodies.
Answer: Because I'm afraid people will hate me if they know the truth. So I do what everyone else does.
At this point he asked permission to cum, demonstrating that all of my question/answer observations were accurate: he found sexual comfort in humiliation.
Day two revealed differences in attitude with Dave. I began our conversation with questions about his parents. His father he reveres, while his mother he loathes for the poor, abusive treatment of his father. I pointed out that the qualities his mother displayed can be found in his "girlfriend". This revelation resulted in a shift in the conversation.
Dave asserted that I called him "boring". I did not remember doing so, but I went with him as this offered insight into his thinking and agreed that he is boring.
He became combative, argumentative, even manipulative. Dave continued to wrestle the conversation away from me, trying to turn it upon me. He asked me questions, bargained with me for answers, then asserted that he truly had all the power. Any power I had, he maintained, was given to me by him and could be taken easily.
Above all, he fought me upon the comparison with his mother and "girlfriend", demonstrating vividly that he truly, deeply agreed with the interpretation. His fight for power was a strategy to remove the power and impact of this observation. If I had no power, my words had no power.
Though he admitted arousal (especially when I mentioned slapping him), he did not orgasm. I forbid him to cum that night and said he needed to have rubber bands for our conversation tonight. We will be exploring pain.
Over the next week I have been given the chance to study in depth a man who I will refer to as "Dave". This study will occur through a series of interviews occurring over Kik. Dave has been given permission to masturbate when he has the urge, but he must always be honest when he does. It is important to establish that what he finds sexually stimulating and what brings him to climax: no matter how personally humiliating or shocking it may be.
Below is a summary of our conversation:
I questioned the subject about his sexual attraction toward men. Had he ever masturbated to thoughts of other men. He admitted that his "girlfriend" made him touch himself to a picture of his husband's cock. Further questioning revealed that he would allow her husband to penetrate him orally and anally if she wished. He was hesitant to admit that he feels inferior to him.
This, of course, led me to asking about his "girlfriend" who happens to have a "husband". This "girlfriend" in fact lives in Ohio, and he has never had sexual intercourse of any kind. He apparently has no history of becoming emotionally involved with women in established relationships. I assume this is misdirection.
During our conversation, Dave made no statements about other women he has had sexual intercourse with, though he maintained he finds women sexually attractive. At this point, I sincerely doubt he has any significant feelings for women. What he assumes are sexual feelings are most likely misinterpretations.
He responded to me very subserviently, allowing me to mock him. I suspect he sees women only as figures to dominate and punish him, and "force" him to explore his homosexual feelings which, on his own, he is terrified to confront.
I've been extraordinarily open minded about sex ever since my first year in college, when I learned women could have orgasms. (I was a late bloomer in high school.) Nothing shocks me. All of it interests me. I can never get enough of it.
All of the pics in my blog are stolen/borrowed from other websites. I consider myself not really a thief, but a pirate. Arrrrrrr!!!
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crazy, dirty bastard.
And I thought I was fucked up.