This isn't meant to be a confessional as I don't feel any guilt. I have no conscience to appease, no burden to alleviate.
I had a long term online roleplay relationship, with someone I met on Reddit's dirtypenpals, with a British man. We'll call him Bill. Bill was married, with a young daughter, with a normal job, driving to work every morning in traffic and being very tired when he got home.
Bill was very protective of me, as much as he could be online. He loved me, too, as much as he could online. We played out many sexual fantasies which were extremely stimulating. He had special tastes as well.
For example, he liked to fantasize about beating the shit out of me, choking me, violently fucking me until I bled. Once we even used blood as part of sex.
Once he confessed to fantasizing about killing women he saw in public, and couldn't explain why. He was also suicidal, which frightened me, and suffered from depression.
As far as fantasies went, Bill liked age play. Particularly, incestuous age play. When I called him Daddy in a text, it would instantly transform our communication. I would write my dialogue as a little girl (8-10 years old) and he would proceed to seduce me. These were the most profound fantasies that we had, and extremely moving for him. The combination of tender fatherly feelings with sexual desire satisfied him in ways he couldn't explain. In fact, I'm hard pressed to explain it myself. It was never violent, and it was filled with love.
I participated because it was moving for me as well, and it didn't feel wrong. If anything, it served as a great comfort.
He had always told me that he would never think of his own daughter in this way and I believed him. I don't talk to him anymore---this is how RP relationships go. They don't seem to last long.
I could never believe that Bill was anything monstrous. He had sexual desires he couldn't explain, and couldn't discuss with his wife or anyone else. To do so would be a kind of suicide. This is wrong. These are things men should be allowed to discuss. We must face that underage sex, and extremely underage sex, is something that, most likely, many of the men in our lives find sexually stimulating.
I've been extraordinarily open minded about sex ever since my first year in college, when I learned women could have orgasms. (I was a late bloomer in high school.) Nothing shocks me. All of it interests me. I can never get enough of it.
All of the pics in my blog are stolen/borrowed from other websites. I consider myself not really a thief, but a pirate. Arrrrrrr!!!
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crazy, dirty bastard.
And I thought I was fucked up.